Sunday, April 21, 2013

God has a plan

I can't believe it has been four and half years since Myles came into this world. I knew even when he was just a small bump inside me, that he was special. Now, four years later I have another special angel that God trusted me with bringing into this world. I am filled with so many emotions when I think about these two and how different, yet alike they are. I can see now more than ever that God truly does have a plan for all of us.

Being 18, just out of high schools, and still so young, I had no idea what I wanted in life. What 18 year old does? But I had to figure it out quickly. There was a little boy inside me growing bigger each day. Adoption hadn't even crossed my mind. I would be a bad mother if I could give my own baby up to someone else.. Or so I thought! My mom did it, my sister did it, and they made it through. Surely I could too. The harder I pushed the idea of adoption out of my head the harder the idea pushed back (I realize now that was God trying to tell me not to be so stubborn). Finally I gave into that pit in my stomach and looked into it. I came across this family that I was strongly drawn to. I wanted to read their profile and learn more about them. From the moment I looked at their picture and read their profile I knew thy were a special family and I felt the spirit so strongly. But being where I was at in my life, I didn't listen to that still small voice like I should have. I still decided to meet with them just to keep my options open, but knew I could never actually place my baby for adoption. Again I felt the pressure of the world telling me I would be a bad mom and a bad person if I could give my child to someone else. I met with this amazing couple and again felt the spirit so strongly. Being in the same room with them was almost overwhelming because of the light and spirit they brought to it. After meeting with them a few times and learning their views on life , I couldn't deny they would be and already were amazing parents. I knew they could give this baby a happy life with two wonderful parents and bring him into a loving home. But again, I kept fighting these feelings. I had two weeks until this baby was due and I hadn't officially made up my mind. I did a lot of thinking, crying, praying, and crying some more. I finally decided that instead of praying for a yes or no, I would pray for strength to do what I had to do, and humility to give into the promptings of the spirit that I had been pushing away for so long. Almost immediately I knew what my decision was. I ended up going into labor a week early and bringing Myles into this world on a beautiful warm September morning. I invited his new parents to come to the hospital and share this special moment with me. If you are a mother, you know there is no greater feeling than bringing a child into this world. I knew Myles mom had never had a chance to feel that since she couldn't have children of her own, but I knew in that moment she felt the exact same way I felt and the same way every mother feels. God truly has a plan for all of us. That was the hardest week of my life. I have never cried more. At the same time, I have never been more comforted by the Holy Ghost telling me that what I did was right. Right after Myles was born I found this quote, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference ". I know that God blessed me with all of those things through those 9 months an still blesses me with them today.

Now 4 and half years later, Paxton has come into my life. My decision to place Myles into a loving home with two parent who adore him, has never been more right. As I am sitting here rocking my little baby in my arms knowing that I would do anything ANYTHING for this little angel, I am again comforted knowing I did what was best for my baby. Nothing is stronger than a mothers love. Whether it is the love of a birth mom, or an adopted mom it is the same. I am so grateful I get to have a relationship with Myles still and that Paxton was able to meet him. What a special day that was. I know for a fact that God has a plan for all of us. I am so lucky that I get to be apart of that plan for two special little boys. God has trusted me with so much, and I promise him that I will not let him down.



Monday, February 11, 2013

He's here!

Finally.. Paxton H. Walker is here! He was 7lb 5oz and 19 inches long. Reagan swears he should be longer though because the nurse didn't straighten his legs haha. He is absolutely perfect in every way.

If you have really hard labors and can't stand those women that get it easy, than you might not want to read this post. My doctor asked at my 36 week appointment if I would like to be induced a week early? Umm.. Yes! Who wouldn't want that? The doctor called and scheduled it for January 14th. I wasn't unbearably uncomfortable yet, but I was so excited to meet him and was just ready for him to be here. On Monday January 7th, I woke up at 4am with contractions. I had been having them the night before but they weren't consistent. They were bad enough that I couldn't go back to sleep so I got up showered and started getting ready. All this time I was timing the contractions. They were three minutes apart and pretty strong. Once that had lasted for more than two hours I figured I better wake Reagan up. At that same time I got a text from Annie, my sister in-law saying that her water had just broke. I got so excited thinking we could have them on the same day! We went to the hospital and the contractions were getting worse. They checked me then told me they would be back in an hour to check me again. Sadly enough I wasn't progressing so they had to send me home. I thought for sure that was it. We went out to breakfast after than decided to walk around the mall. Annie and Jake had their beautiful little boy so we went to the hospital to see him. By 3 the contractions started to fade a little. My contractions continued like that all week long. I woke up early every morning with strong contractions and then by late afternoon or night they would fade a little bit, but never fully go away. By Saturday I was so done and called my doctor and asked him if we could be induced on the 13th instead. We seriously couldn't wait another day! Sunday, January 13th, we went to the AF hospital at 7am. They got me settled into our room and at 8am they started the Pitocin. They kept checking me but I had made little progress so at 10am they broke my water. After that things started to pick up. I got my epidural and Reagan and I sat and watched football. His family came and they were all anxiously waiting for the little sour patch to arrive. We all were! Our amazing nurse came in and checked me around 3 and said I was dilated to a 6. She left the room and then not even twenty minutes later she came in and said, "okay, the baby is ready." I thought she was joking, but when I could tell she wasn't I told her I didn't think so. She checked me and sure enough I was 10 centimeters dilated and the babies head was right there! That had gone by so fast I couldn't believe it. They called the Dr. and we all just waited until he arrived. Once he was there we got down to business right away. This is the part where most women will hate me.. I pushed for 3 contractions and a total of 3 minutes before our perfect little angel made it safely into this world! He came out with his hand right by his head an it hasn't left there since. Reagan was amazing through the entire thing. He was making me laugh in between contractions and was so supportive. It was the most amazing sight to watch him hold his son for the first time. Now he has a hunting, fishing, golfing, sport playing buddy for life! You could feel the spirit in the room and could feel that this little miracle had just left the presence of God. Nothing in this world will ever compare to bringing a new life into this world!

Thanks to all the family and friends who have visited and helped us in any way with Paxton. It is amazing how instantly and unconditionally you can love a new baby, and everyone has shown that. Pax is healthy and happy. He is such a good baby and only cries when he is being changed. He hates to be cold! He has changed our lives for the better and we are so blessed to have him in our little family!