I can't believe it has been four and half years since Myles came into this world. I knew even when he was just a small bump inside me, that he was special. Now, four years later I have another special angel that God trusted me with bringing into this world. I am filled with so many emotions when I think about these two and how different, yet alike they are. I can see now more than ever that God truly does have a plan for all of us.
Being 18, just out of high schools, and still so young, I had no idea what I wanted in life. What 18 year old does? But I had to figure it out quickly. There was a little boy inside me growing bigger each day. Adoption hadn't even crossed my mind. I would be a bad mother if I could give my own baby up to someone else.. Or so I thought! My mom did it, my sister did it, and they made it through. Surely I could too. The harder I pushed the idea of adoption out of my head the harder the idea pushed back (I realize now that was God trying to tell me not to be so stubborn). Finally I gave into that pit in my stomach and looked into it. I came across this family that I was strongly drawn to. I wanted to read their profile and learn more about them. From the moment I looked at their picture and read their profile I knew thy were a special family and I felt the spirit so strongly. But being where I was at in my life, I didn't listen to that still small voice like I should have. I still decided to meet with them just to keep my options open, but knew I could never actually place my baby for adoption. Again I felt the pressure of the world telling me I would be a bad mom and a bad person if I could give my child to someone else. I met with this amazing couple and again felt the spirit so strongly. Being in the same room with them was almost overwhelming because of the light and spirit they brought to it. After meeting with them a few times and learning their views on life , I couldn't deny they would be and already were amazing parents. I knew they could give this baby a happy life with two wonderful parents and bring him into a loving home. But again, I kept fighting these feelings. I had two weeks until this baby was due and I hadn't officially made up my mind. I did a lot of thinking, crying, praying, and crying some more. I finally decided that instead of praying for a yes or no, I would pray for strength to do what I had to do, and humility to give into the promptings of the spirit that I had been pushing away for so long. Almost immediately I knew what my decision was. I ended up going into labor a week early and bringing Myles into this world on a beautiful warm September morning. I invited his new parents to come to the hospital and share this special moment with me. If you are a mother, you know there is no greater feeling than bringing a child into this world. I knew Myles mom had never had a chance to feel that since she couldn't have children of her own, but I knew in that moment she felt the exact same way I felt and the same way every mother feels. God truly has a plan for all of us. That was the hardest week of my life. I have never cried more. At the same time, I have never been more comforted by the Holy Ghost telling me that what I did was right. Right after Myles was born I found this quote, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference ". I know that God blessed me with all of those things through those 9 months an still blesses me with them today.
Now 4 and half years later, Paxton has come into my life. My decision to place Myles into a loving home with two parent who adore him, has never been more right. As I am sitting here rocking my little baby in my arms knowing that I would do anything ANYTHING for this little angel, I am again comforted knowing I did what was best for my baby. Nothing is stronger than a mothers love. Whether it is the love of a birth mom, or an adopted mom it is the same. I am so grateful I get to have a relationship with Myles still and that Paxton was able to meet him. What a special day that was. I know for a fact that God has a plan for all of us. I am so lucky that I get to be apart of that plan for two special little boys. God has trusted me with so much, and I promise him that I will not let him down.